One day until Beta!

Why is it the weekend right now?!  I am 2 weeks post transfer, and today is the normal day for my office to do the beta test.  But I guess no betas on weekends-boo!  So my first beta will be tomorrow at 15dp3dt!  Torturous!

I’ve been going through a lot of highs and lows during this TWW.   Most of my lows were early on, and since then I have felt much more cautiously optimistic.  I saw my newly pregnant friend again, and once again interrogated her on her lack of symptoms.  She found out she was pregnant around 6 weeks, and in retrospect only had noticed she was markedly more tired 4 days earlier.  So no sore boobs and morning sickness at 17dpo.  Which she never would have known was 17dpo.

Thinking about my lack of symptoms is the only thing that can make me feel a little disheartened, so talking to her really lifted my spirits on Friday night.  Which isn’t an easy task when you are at a party with all your friends that either have kids or are pregnant!

This morning I was laying in bed really having a hard time deciding if I should POAS or not.  I had decided a long time ago not to, but then with it being beta day was reconsidering.  Ultimately I decided not to and decided to pee (so I couldn’t change my mind) and then climb back into bed and stalk recent BFP bloggers symptoms, and google “14dp3dt no symptoms”…that google search was very helpful!  It lead me to a message board that had encouraging stories, and one had a timeline with twin boys, and their names.  Suddenly I remembered that I had a dream last night that we were pregnant with twin boys!!  Not only is this amazing because I usually don’t remember dreams, but this is the first time I remember having a dream I was pregnant!  We have had a boy name (first and middle) picked out for years, and I remember in the dream being like “Oh, we have to think of a new boy name!”…sidenote: in the dream we split up our current boy name and used the first name for boy #1 and the current middle name for boy #2’s first name!

I literally hopped out of bed and ran downstairs to tell my husband about the dream, and he said he had a dream I was pregnant too!  He didn’t remember any details though.  I am feeling ridiculously positive right now; which could definitely change in the next 24 hours.  I really think even if we get bad news tomorrow that our dreams were maybe telling us not to give up hope!  But I am praying that it is a sign for this cycle!

I’ll be at work all day tomorrow, so will not listen to my message about my beta until my husband and I are both at home…less than 36 hours!!

I need some positivity pointers…

Our frozen embryo transfer is in the books…and I wish I was feeling better about it.

During our fresh cycle in January we had our four embryos frozen at the 1 cell stage (2PN) due to a lining deficiency.   Last Thursday all four were unthawed, and survived!  We were on cloud nine…not so much since then.  On day 2 the embryologist told us that “one or two had a bit of fragmentation”.  The difference between one and two when you only have four is HUGE!  We got the call on Day 3 (Sunday) that we would do the transfer then, which I was anticipating.

When we got to the office Sunday they sat us down and showed us a picture of the four embryos.  Two of the four hadn’t divided in the past 24 hours, one had turned from a 4 cell to 6 cell with 15% fragmentation, and one was like a 5 cell with 25% fragmentation.  They didn’t even use official gradings.  I had to ask for the percentage of fragmentation.

I think we were both a little shell shocked, but luckily had discussed this advance and asked if we could transfer all four, since two were essentially dead.  That way we would know we did everything in our power to make it work.  They had to get ahold of my normal doctor to approve it, but both him and the doctor that performed my transfer said it was fine to do.

That is how you know you are screwed.  At age 31 they let you transfer 4 embryos.

I changed into my sterile attire, and I was then taken to the procedure room and left there alone for a few minutes.  Where I started uncontrollably sobbing.  I am NOT a public crier…and while it is true that I was alone in the room, the fact that someone could come in at any time made this VERY out of character for me.

Luckily I did get myself under control before anyone else came back in.  I reminded myself that the one 6-cell 15% fragmentation could surely keep growing and implant.  It definitely is possible.  I think I was doing a good job of distracting myself for the last two days- binge watching tv shows.

Then today at lunch I get a text from one of closest friends that probably knows the most about this journey then anyone else.  “We’ve had a crazy few days…you’re going to be an Aunt!”…with a picture of her 8-9 week ultrasound.  PUNCH. IN. THE. GUT.  I feel like a horrible person that when my good friend tells me wonderful news all I can do is feel immediately jealous and then extremely bad for myself.

And she just found out she was pregnant!  We had wine together like 2.5 weeks ago!  Now I must add, they had been “not not trying” for like a year and a half.  My husband and I had actually had conversations about how we thought they may have a fertility problem.  So I am so very happy that they were able to get pregnant and don’t have to deal with all this shit.

When I finally got home from work today and saw my husband I again started sobbing!  Which is less out of character to be dramatic in front of him.  I was just like “Everyone can get pregnant except for me…why are our embryos such bad quality?…this is no way this is going to work….they would never put back four embryos if they thought there was any chance”.

He was very sweet and sympathetic until I brought it up again a few hours later.  Then he told me he couldn’t listen to my negativity and depression for the next two weeks.  The thing that really struck home is that he said I was like this during my first cycle…which I overall was convinced was going to work!  So I was just so surprised he took it as negativity.  I think I must be putting up a wall of negativity to try to cushion the blow IF it doesn’t work.

I went into the cycle just wanting to pretend that nothing was happening at all.  Then when my friend told me her news, it forced me to put up my protective mechanism…I guess.

I don’t want to be like this though.  I feel I am so optimistic in the rest of my life, and I HATE that I am coming across as so negative and horrible to my husband, the one person that is equally invested in this!  It was a horrible mistake the try to stay off the blogs….I need this to keep me sane!  AND I am SO happy to see so many positive results in the past few days.

Ironically I was trying to stay away to keep my spirits up, but it did the opposite.  And I definitely probably just wrote the most debbie-downer post of the year.  So I am sorry if anyone trying to stay optimistic read it and now feels like total shit.

But I would like to know how do you all stay positive when you feel hopeless?  Just fake it until you make it?  Focus on the next cycle?  Please give me your positivity boosters!